I Never Wanted to Homeschool: How God Changed My Heart (and Healed My Family)

I never had this natural born desire to become a mother. While my childhood friends nurtured their baby dolls and dreamed of having children someday, I planned my wedding day while tending my home constructed of bed sheets held up by cushions and chairs.

A real wedding and house eventually came, but the desire to have kids remained far from my heart. In my community, having kids came with the territory of marriage. It was the norm, but deep down, I didn’t want any. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, so I prayed, God, if you want me to have children, change my heart.

A few years later, one day in church, that prayer was answered. I saw a mom smiling at her baby. She nuzzled the child’s cheek in such a touching way, that a tiny shift–ever so slightly– happened in my heart. The time had come. I wanted a child to love.

God blessed me with three children, and while my heart changed in small ways, it still harbored baggage and pain around the idea of children. I was committed to staying home with them in their early years, but I couldn’t wait for the day the big yellow bus came to take them away each day. I looked around at my adult friends who loved being moms. It fulfilled them. I, on the other hand, felt like I was missing out on the good life by dedicating myself to being a mom. But I was patient because I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. When they went to school, I could finally do important, fulfilling work. No more diapers, snotty noses, and twenty-four-seven hour shifts of being depended on.

The long awaited year finally arrived for my oldest. She was a few days shy of the age cut-off for kindergarten, but I wasn’t worried. Where I grew up in Indiana, you could test your child and if they were academically ready, they could go to school–even if their birthday was a few days after the cutoff. To my horror, I found out that isn’t the case in Illinois. If they missed the cutoff, they missed it. No if’s, and’s, or’s, or buts. 

Convinced my daughter needed intellectual stimulation, I started researching preschools. However, as I searched for schooling options, something strange happened. I heard a whisper in my soul.

Do it yourself. Homeschool her.

Now, I am not one to run from God’s guidance as Jonah did…but this? Homeschooling was something I said I would never do. 

Never.

But I couldn’t deny that gentle and kind conviction. So I started researching homeschooling. The more I learned, another whisper echoed in my mind.

This will repair your relationship.

I’ve always felt ill-equipped with a natural mother’s heart, but I have always wanted the best for my kids and I could clearly see my oldest and I were struggling. Logic told me that the last solution to our problems was an indefinite amount of constant time together. It made little sense to me to add school to our mix of hard. Wouldn’t that just cause more problems?

But I love my Father in heaven, and above everything, I want to obey Him. My husband and I wrestled with personal stigmas over homeschooling, but at the end of the day, decided to try it. After all, we had a year to experiment. I couldn’t mess it all up in one year.

With this commitment, God brought a Bible verse my way that I clung to. It has continued to be my vision as I walk this homeschooling journey year after year, question after question, and fear after fear.

“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:31-33 ESV

If we are seeking God, His kingdom, His ways, all the worries and cares of this earthly life will be held in His capable hands–not fallible humans. I had prioritized things the culture told me to prioritize, but in an act of faith to shift to seek God’s ways, I was able to demote my logic and elevate my trust in God with this major life decision.

I wish I could say ever since that moment of obedience, our homeschool journey has been filled with joy and peace, and it fixed all our problems in the blink of an eye. But the reality is it has been a slow sanctification. There are moments of deep joy and stifling fear. Delight and pain. I wish I could say my heart toward my children completely transformed the moment we opened our new curriculum and put pencil to paper. But the lie that children are in the way and are better sent elsewhere was so deeply embedded in my heart, it died a slow and painful death. I wish I could say that I felt qualified and capable, but many times I found myself locked away in my bathroom, longing for an escape.

I also wish I could sit and tell you in detail all the elements of my story. I can’t even begin in the short time I have with you here, but what I can tell you for certain is God was right. Homeschooling has been the best avenue for restoring my relationship with my daughter. And even deeper, it has been a path to correct my view of purpose, identity, and role in His Kingdom here on earth.

You see, being with our kids long after they could hop onto the big yellow bus exposes our hearts in a very vulnerable way. It forced me to look at the hindrances, roadblocks, and all the uglies hiding in my soul. And little by little, God has faithfully been helping me put them to death. Death isn’t a comfortable process, but death to resurrection is beautiful.

When people hear I homeschool, they often say something like, “That is amazing, I could never do that”. Me too. I never thought I could be a mom, let alone homeschool. But by God’s grace and guidance, I am and it has been a treasure not easily put in words. It is something I not only want to do, but also believe in deeply. If there is any conviction or desire in your heart to dive into homeschooling, I know without a doubt you can do it. And the longer I walk this path, the more I experience intangible blessings, including, but not limited to, abundant joy and peace.

If you want more details or have questions, please reach out to the Homeschool Resource Center and I would be glad to talk to you personally.

Homeschooling is a beautiful thing, and while it is hard, it is also holy and anyone who wants to (or feels convicted to) can do it.